YOU Make Me Feel

As I try to examine my life very critically, I see so many flaws, so many mistakes that I made in my past which sometimes can make me feel so ashamed inside. Character issues, patience and self-control problems, the bad decisions, my impulsiveness, and all other things hidden inside - they make me feel ugly and unworthy.

If all of my friends knew every little despicable thing I did and thought of, will they still love me as they do now? Will they still be friends with me? Will they see past those offensive things and accept me? Maybe some would, but I know a lot of those people would turn their backs on me. And maybe others might continue to be friends with me, only to find out how they've been gossiping behind my back.

I only know of one person who is truly and sincerely able to see through all of my ugliness and imperfections - JESUS CHRIST. He saw everything I've been, everything I am, everything I will be. Yet, despite my "ugliness", he chose to love me. He knows everything yet he has been ready to accept me. He knew me very well yet he chose me out of this world. He loved me so much that he was ready to die for me. I knew it in my heart that I didn't deserve it. But that is his GRACE, that is the TRUTH. And really, that's the opinion that would really matter for me. Jesus and me - this is all I need. With all that he has done for me and with all that he's doing within me, he's the only one who can make me feel beautiful inside-out.

How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know him. (1 John 3:1)

The Good Sister Act

Sometimes, the responsibility of being a sister can be very frustrating and exhausting. The need to understand, the need to give away, and be more responsible for certain tasks can zap all your energy that sometimes, you just want to scream. Why does it have to be so hard? Why does it always have to be me? I question why they always have to rely on me, why they can't even be responsible for themselves whenever I'm around.

These are the times when I just want to drop that good sister act, the moments when I am forced to let out a smile instead of a frown, the times when I chose to remain silent rather than to raise my voice. These kind of circumstances can consume all of me and I sometimes end up distraught with aching feelings inside.

Why do I have to do all of these? Why do I have to endure these feelings when I can just let it out and not let myself be bothered and so preoccupied? I was in a very sour mood as I tried to reason with God. I am so fed up. I sought Him while trying to fight back the tears...

Then God spoke to my heart..

"Ella, you LOVE AS I HAVE LOVED YOU. Let my love overflow in your heart like a well, like an everlasting spring that will not run dry even in times of drought. As you do this, I will lead you beside quiet waters, I will give you grace in every trial. I will lead you and carry you close to my heart. And surely, my goodness and mercy will follow you, all the days of your life."

His words in 1 John 4:19 echoed in my head, gently reminding me, comforting me at this time. "We love because he first loved us."

I am amazed at how God instantly brought comfort and renewal to my soul through His words. It certainly is hard to live for Christ in this world, but what drives us is the LOVE of God within us. And through that kind of love we have, we are able to overcome and love even the most unloveable of persons.

This is love for God: to obey his commands. And his commands are not burdensome, for everyone born of God overcomes the world. This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith. (1 John 5:3-4)

God has restored the love in me and made me joyful because of His salvation. Now, I'm even more compelled to love my siblings, to be more patient, to endure more, and to honor and glorify the Lord no matter how hard and painstaking it gets.

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall.. Who's the Fairest of them All?

I remember that I sometimes catch myself asking this somewhat mundane question. Ever since I was a child, I was very insecure about how I looked like physically. My insecurity started to show first through my posture. I started to slouch when I was in elementary because I was too conscious of my rears. For me, they looked ridiculous and I didn't want to look funny when I walked. (My rather senseless youth. hahaha!) Because of this, I've developed scoliosis, an abnormal lateral curvature of the spine. Great. Just great. And up until now, I still can't fix my posture. The seed of insecurity had been planted in my heart.

During high school, I was really skinny and was not really that gifted and pretty as the other girls of my age. I became the object of ridicule of some of my classmates, most of them boys, back then. They'd tease me "payatot", "flat-tops", "bamboo", and I resented it. I belonged to the "unpopular" category. The pretty ones always got the special treatment and the attention and I have to admit that I envied them. This season in my life even amplified the insecurity that was starting to grow deep within me. I knew that I consciously nurtured that feeling too. I became touchy and sensitive. That even made me more uncool because I was "pikon" most of the time especially at jokes about my physical appearance and that was no fun at all. I felt unappreciated. Because I was insecure, I began to question who I really am. I saw myself as less than the others even as I started to stand out as a leader and as an achiever. I became unsure and rarely stood up for myself. Although I excelled in my academics and even graduated with honors, I wasn't really happy.

Then came college. For me, my college life is one of the most wonderful and beautiful seasons that I've had. I always look back at every memory both good and bad with fondness. I found who I really am in this season. There were a lot of opportunities for me, a lot of learnings, friends and experiences. The most beautiful part was when I met my Savior, Jesus Christ. That man on the cross showed me how beautiful I am and how wonderfully and fearfully made I am. He accepted me regardless of my past, of my sins. I started to become more confident and assertive. I became surer of myself as I felt more accepted and appreciated by the people around me. I even gained some popularity through my activities as a leader and as an academic achiever. I was even tagged as "Ms. Everything". No one looked down on me. Like the well known story of the Ugly Duckling, I transformed into a lovely swan with the help of the Lord. The knowledge of God's security and love filled my whole being. I was washed, renewed, made pure and carefully cut to reveal a beauty equal to that of the finest gem.

I thought that the seed of insecurity which blossomed in my heart had totally withered away through God's grace. Little did I know that it just remained dormant for a while, only to resurface again at the right time.

When I entered the season of Singleness, I was determined to use my time to really glorify God while waiting for the right man to come along. I know and I felt very secure. To worry about such things was rather futile for me, because I can not wrestle with God's plans for me. He's way way more wiser than me or anyone else in the world. Then there came a time when I started liking someone. I knew I had to submit to God's will and guard my heart over feelings that are undue. I for one, don't want to be distracted from what the Lord is doing in my life. If it's His will, it will be done accordingly. I believed in this wholeheartedly. But then, I found myself asking, "will anyone really like me?", "I don't think I'm really pretty, how will he notice me?". Unconsciously, I was already making that agreement with the enemy that yeah, I am not that pretty. I am not beautiful. And with that, the dormant seed of insecurity sprang to life.

In times like this, I am blessed to have certain people in my life who'd grab my hand and help me rediscover the truth. Jesus reminded me how he sees past the physical, how unimportant looks are to him. He sees the heart, and that's all that matters to him. He's more concerned at my character and faith rather than my hair or make-up. I do not need to please anyone with my looks, but more than anything else, I should seek to please and glorify God in the way I dress, the way I look, in everything I do.

God said in His word, "Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight." (1 Peter 3:3-4) for "Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised." (Proverbs 31:30)

But it's not enough to just know what God says. It's one thing to have knowledge of the word and another to apply it. For me, I need to first break that agreement I made earlier with the enemy. I know I have to stop worrying about my outward appearance and start caring more about my character.

If you're a woman or a man, and you feel somehow insecure and you happen to read this blog, I tell you, go back to God. He is our Source of everything, our rock and refuge. He does not want us to feel insecure. He want us to know and believe that His love for us does not dwindle at sight or appearance, but that His promise is everlasting. He made us heirs to His kingdom, therefore you and I are princesses or princes in that kingdom. God made you and me beautiful and by grace we shall overcome that spirit of insecurity, for good. Lastly, I'd like to share this wonderful song which God used to speak to me. This is entitled, Mirror by Barlow Girl. Reflect, learn from it, and apply it to your life. :)

"Mirror"

Mirror, Mirror on the wall, Have I got it?

'Cause Mirror you've always told me who I am

I'm finding it's not easy to be perfect

So sorry you won't define me

Sorry you don't own me

Who are you to tell me

That I'm less than what I should be?

Who are you? Who are you?

I don't need to listen

To the list of things I should do

I won't try, I won't try

Mirror I am seeing a new reflection

I'm looking into the eyes of He who made me

And to Him I have beauty beyond compare

I know He defines me

You don't define me, you don't define me

God is the One who defines us. Not your peers, not your relatives, not even you. And He says that you are beautiful beyond compare. You are unique, and He loves you the way you are. Wait and be excited for the things He has in store for your future. :)

Walking on Water

We are very familiar with that story in the Bible wherein Jesus walked on the water, much to his disciples' bewilderment. For days now, I can't seem to get that story off my head. I can recall it almost everyday and I know God is impressing something great on me. Let's try to look at how the Scriptures tell this particular story.

Matthew 14:22-33 (New International Version)

Jesus Walks on the Water

Immediately Jesus made the disciples get into the boat and go on ahead of him to the other side, while he dismissed the crowd. After he had dismissed them, he went up on a mountainside by himself to pray. When evening came, he was there alone, but the boat was already a considerable distance from land, buffeted by the waves because the wind was against it.

During the fourth watch of the night Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. "It's a ghost," they said, and cried out in fear.

But Jesus immediately said to them: "Take courage! It is I. Don't be afraid."

"Lord, if it's you," Peter replied, "tell me to come to you on the water."

"Come," he said.

Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, "Lord, save me!"

Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. "You of little faith," he said, "why did you doubt?"

And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down. Then those who were in the boat worshiped him, saying, "Truly you are the Son of God."

In real life, no one can really walk on water. Have you seen anyone do so? Well not me. It's a rather impossible feat. But what does God want to tell us through this story?

I believe, we all have our own waters or oceans to walk on - our lives. And it takes a lot of faith for us to be able to walk on it like how Jesus did. We ask God for that boldness and courage to walk on it but sometimes, like Peter, we get distracted by the strong winds we face or the waves under our feet. Our momentary troubles can cause doubt to seep through our hearts causing us to lose our focus on the Lord and lose faith.

It happened to me very recently - a challenge to walk on the waters; a testing of my faith. For many weeks now, I've been full of hope and certainty on a particular promise the Lord told me. God kept surprising me, until recently pressure started to build up inside me. Pressure which gave way to doubt and for me to question God why He has been delaying to answer my prayers. Then came worry, anxiety and little by little, my joy started to fade away. I knew something was wrong. And then I realized that I was thinking too much of the work God intends for me to do that I'm rather losing sight of what He is doing in me. I had to stop. I had to surrender and to submit to His will. I had to trust Him fully. I needed to have FAITH.

Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see (Hebrews 11:1).

I was there on the waters, at the brink of sinking down, the suddenly Jesus reaches out for my hand to save me. I feel ashamed at how weak and faithless I am before God, yet He has continued to redeem me. And I know He is giving me another chance to walk on the water with him. I need only to do one simple thing - I need to focus on the Lord, I need to put my eyes on Jesus (the author and perfecter of my faith Hebrews 12:2).

Only if we truly learn to trust Jesus with our all, completely, sincerely and faithfully, do we really learn how to walk even on the deepest ocean in our lives. Keep up the good fight of faith! :)